Last month I went through a period of time where I felt absolutely awful, the worst I’ve felt since the months after my mum died. I don’t know why, I don’t know what really triggered it, but my mental state just plummeted.
The brain is a cruel thing when you’re depressed, it likes to work against you when all you want to do is try to be okay. I think the one thing that I struggle the most with is my mind when I’m sleeping. I get really horrible nightmares and most of the time wake up crying after them, you’d think in your sleep you’d be safe from the bad thoughts.
I’d love to just be okay. Most of the time I am, but when you lose a parent at a young age I’m not sure it ever leaves you, that grief. It’s hard in particular for me to know that I’ll go through life, hopefully do so many exciting things, and I’ll never be able to share those with my mum. On the flip side, there are so many bad moments too where all I want to do is talk to her about it, because I know she’d offer me the best advice.
I’m always so grateful that I have friends and family who are there for me, because sometimes even when you can’t explain the things you’re feeling they’ll still be there to look after you and offer words of comfort. As well I’m so lucky I have a wonderful boyfriend who puts up with me when I’m suddenly crying for no reason, and stays with me until the tears are gone.
I wanted to write this little post because it’s Mental Health Awareness Week, and it feels like there’s still such a stigma around talking about how we feel in terms of mental health. I’m grateful that for the majority of the time I can somewhat deal with the cards grief handed me. It’s not always the easiest thing but you have to live, don’t you. Reach out to people when you’re struggling. Don’t feel like you’re losing the battle if you ask for help – the minute you ask, you’re actually winning.
To those struggling – lots of love, keep strong. You’ve got this.