We’re coming towards the end of our two weeks in America, and one thing to note is that not once have I felt homesick. We discussed this briefly in Canada and once the thought was there it’s grown like a little seed in my head into a much larger thought.
I’ve been very lucky this year to be able to do a lot of travelling, I mean I’ve now been to a total of seven other countries outside of England, which is pretty awesome. Throughout all of these trips I’ve absolutely loved being away, positively revelled in it in fact. Exploring new places and discovering has quickly become one of my favourite things to do, and I don’t think this would’ve been as much the case had the bigger things in my life not happened.
Since mum died, I haven’t felt as much of an attachment to the place I called home. The way I think of it (and this sounds pretty odd and pretentious I must warn you) is that there was a gravitational pull, and no matter where I went I’d always go back to mum because at the end of the day she was the most important person to me; the sole reason I’d ever go anywhere.
Losing her meant losing that pull, and now it feels like home is nowhere and everywhere at the same time.
When I’m away from the town I live in I don’t miss it, and sometimes I feel like an awful person because of this. I love my family and friends that are in the area of course, but sadly it’s not enough. The one person I want to see and talk to all the time isn’t in that town anymore, she’s not even on the other end of the phone while I’m away from that town, so what’s there?
The ‘positive’ is that I’ll get to see more of the world and get to grow as a person because of this, but naturally the negatives of this are rooted deep.
Rather than feeling homesick in or for the present, I instead feel homesick for my life previous to February 25th 2014, and that’s a life no longer feasible for me.
Here’s a song that helps me get through this mesh of feelings.
I wake up every morning, surprised to see the sun
surprised the world and I continue on