By the Pier

Today used to be a day to celebrate, now it’s another day that makes my heart ache a little. Had things happened differently, we would be celebrating my mum’s 54th birthday today.

Journal thoughts

The rain has stopped but clouds still linger, unsure of whether to stay or go. I can just about see the silhouette of France way off.

Screen Shot 2015-08-11 at 23.51.37There are steps down from the pier nearer to the water and I have no idea what their actual purpose is, but I climb under the rail ignoring the lock on the gate to walk down, and there I just feel sheltered.

Sometimes when I’ve been here I’ve cried, other times just sat and watched the waves lap, and other times I try to have a chat with mum. It’s these situations that’ve made me realise a one-sided chat isn’t so fulfilling.

 11 | 8 | 14

I wish I were more spiritual. That my mind could be open enough to feel my mum’s presence somewhere. It would be a comfort, but I’m not there yet.

The Channel is such a beautiful colour in the port. Like a perfect aquamarine – it reminds me of the Seine actually. Clean, fresh.

Now it’s time for more ferries to enter and leave the port. Mum used to work on them, and as a tour guide on coaches round Europe too. She loved travelling and meeting all sorts of people – wonder where I get those traits from. I miss the stories she’d tell about the places she’d seen and the people she met and their stories, I wish I’d appreciated those anecdotes more knowing now I won’t get to hear them again. 

The horizon line was brightening earlier but now more clouds have rolled in. I suppose that’s today’s weather decided. Cloudy but not too cold, probably a bit of rain and wind, a mixed bag of conditions, talk about pathetic fallacy. 

I wish more than anything I’d just appreciated life more when Mum was by my side – you don’t realise how strong a parents unconditional love is until you lose it. Everything is a bit tougher without it. 

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